Merry Christmas, Beauregard!
A Deeply Dark & Wildly Jolly Musical


Toons + Baby-Jane + Book of Mormon + Hedwig + Marx Brothers = VIBE
Synopsis
Can elderly sisters at opposite ends of the political divide reconcile before they die?
Beauregard says YES
Beauregard is Jackie Whomp’s childhood toy, a lonely magical hugger elf who longs to be free but is stuck in the family home of the estranged Whomp sisters. Beauregard knows ze won’t be free until ze has reconciled the sisters, the greatest challenge of hir career.
Today, Beauregard is thrilled: Jackie is coming home! But ze’s also nervous, because he knows her sister Patsy will do anything to prevent reconciling with Jackie, including engaging the diabolical efforts of her own imaginary childhood friend, a Brooklyn Sewer Rat bunny-mobster named Bananas, who for decades has compounded Beauregard’s misery exponentially.
When the conflict between the sisters escalates into a Christmas Eve Throwdown featuring blow-up sex Presidents, TV anchors, Fat Electrician infomercials, flaccid fettuccine, detachable man buns, old-lady fight styles, and other “weapons of mass destruction”, Beauregard despairs that he may not have what it takes to win his freedom.
But a surprise visit from Jackie’s son Willy, an aging, espresso-addicted barista with his own grand dreams, inspires Beauregard to change hir approach, thereby reconciling Jackie’s and Patsy’s hearts and making hir own dreams come true.

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BEAUREGARD, the MAGIC ELF, ze/hir/hirs; Aunt Jackie’s imaginary childhood friend and angel on her shoulder.
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PATSY, 70-85; white; cis-gender; Jackie’s sister.
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JACKIE, 70-85; inclusive casting; Patsy’s sister.
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WILLY, 30s; white, inclusive gender casting; Patsy’s nephew, Jackie’s son.
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DAVE, Ageless, timeless, inclusive casting. Patsy’s son, Jackie’s nephew; Voice Over Only.
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BANANAS, the MOBSTER BUNNY, Aunt Patsy’s imaginary childhood friend and devil on her shoulder.
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MARJORIE, 50-65; spirit of Jackie and Patsy’s Mom who appears as a late-night infomercial hawker of Wet Fetuccine.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BEAUREGARD!
VIBE
Toons / Baby Jane / Book of Mormon / Hedwig / Trumpette Chorus Line / Fancy Stretcher Chorus Line / Marx Brothers /
SYNOPSIS
Beauregard is Jackie Whomp’s childhood toy, a lonely magical hugger elf who longs to be free but is stuck in the family home of the estranged Whomp sisters. Beauregard knows ze won’t be free until ze has reconciled the sisters, the greatest challenge of hir career.
Today, Beauregard is thrilled: Jackie is coming home! But ze’s also nervous, because he knows her sister Patsy will do anything to prevent reconciling with Jackie, including engaging the diabolical efforts of her own imaginary childhood friend, a Brooklyn Sewer Rat bunny-mobster named Bananas, who for decades has compounded Beauregard’s misery exponentially.
When the conflict between the sisters escalates into a Christmas Eve Throwdown featuring blow-up sex Presidents, TV anchors, Fat Electrician infomercials, flaccid fettuccine, detachable man buns, old-lady fight styles, and other “weapons of mass destruction”, Beauregard despairs that he may not have what it takes to win his freedom.
But a surprise visit from Jackie’s son Willy, an aging, espresso-addicted barista with his own grand dreams, inspires Beauregard to change hir approach, thereby reconciling Jackie’s and Patsy’s hearts and making hir own dreams come true.
WHO
BEAUREGARD, the MAGIC HUGGER ELF: Jackie’s imaginary childhood friend and angel on her shoulder; exists only in the minds of Patsy and the audience; worn, torn, and tattered, time and Patsy’s mind has not been kind to Beauregard. Throughout the play, Beauregard strategizes gaining control of Bananas’ Multi-Generational Family Trauma Perpetual Motion Machine (The MGFTPMM); if he can do that, he can make himself and everyone free.
BANANAS, the MOBSTER BUNNY: Patsy’s imaginary childhood friend and devil on her shoulder; exists only in the minds of Patsy and the audience; worn, torn, and tattered strutter; treasured by Patsy as her best drinking buddy, dance partner, and boy toy; raised by the Brooklyn Sewer Rat Gang; throughout the play, as Beauregard tries to bring the sisters together, Bananas cranks his Multi-Generational Family Trauma Perpetual Motion Machine (The MGFTPMM) to keep the dysfunction going, because he knows that if the dysfunction disappears, so will he.
JACKIE WHOMP: Patsy’s sister; acts out her anxieties via yoga poses, singing bowl, and liberal political protest slogans.
PATSY WHOMP: Jackie’s sister; a childhood pageant-baby and now a shimmying, sashaying Trumpette.
WILLY WHOMP: Patsy’s nephew/niece, Jackie’s son/daughter; aging barista; addicted to espresso.
DAVE WHOMP: Inclusive casting; Patsy’s daughter/son; Jackie's niece/nephew; the kid who took off and never looked back; materializes and dematerializes as a sparkling hologram; can be whoever he/she/they/ze wants to be.
THAT BITCH / MOM: Spirit of Jackie and Patsy’s Mom; a former hooker in Minneapolis; in her teens, she was known as the best stripper in EauClaire; appears as a TV infomercial hawker; pageant-baby Mom.
THAT BASTARD / DAD: Spirit of Jackie and Patsy’s Dad; formerly an electrician; appears as a TV infomercial hawker.
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AUDIENCE: As they enter the theatre, each audience member is rendered invisible by a secret theatrical mechanism decided upon by the theatre.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
-- Invisible Characters That Are “Figments of Patsy’s Imagination” and Able to Interact with Each Other and Patsy: Beauregard, Bananas, That Bitch / Mom, That Bastard / Dad, Dave, Audience.
-- Characters Who Cannot Interact with the Invisible Characters: Jackie, Willy.
HOUSE/AUDIENCE
This is an interactive production. At the beginning of the play, Beauregard moves around by zip line or foot in any way that is safe for the actor. He sits on shelves, balcony ledge, seat backs, audience member laps, etc.
WHEN
Christmas Eve: Now
Christmas Morning: 1955
Time and Space: Eternity
WHERE
Decrepit rural Wisconsin cabin outside of Eau Claire.
LIVING ROOM IN THE HOME OF THE WHOMP SISTERS
Shabby, dusty, sad; red, white, and blue; and green and chintz and sparkle!
Christmas has vomited like a twenty-year-old frat boy over every inch of this threadbare God-Bless-America
Throughout the space are Confederate elf dolls and Santa Clauses, each wearing an American flag diaper and a holster belt with pistols.
SEWER
Not a location on a set, but a prop that represents the location. Home of Bananas and his rat gang, where he keeps his massive Multi-Generational Family Trauma Perpetual Motion Machine (MGFTPMM), which appears at various points in the play. When Bananas cranks his crank, all hell breaks loose.