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Merry Christmas, Beauregard!

A Black Comedy
©2023 Patricia Krahnke 

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Can Patsy and Jackie, long-estranged, elderly sisters at opposite ends of the political divide, reconcile before they die?
Beauregard says yes!


Beauregard is Jackie Whomp’s childhood toy, a lonely magical hugger elf who has been trapped for decades with Patsy in the decrepit family cabin outside of Eau Claire.

Today, Beauregard is thrilled: Jackie is coming home! But he’s also nervous, because he knows Patsy will do anything to get back at Jackie for abandoning her to the family trauma sixty years ago.

To thwart Beauregard’s efforts to bring the sisters together, Patsy engages her own imaginary childhood friend, a Brooklyn sewer rat mobster bunny named Bananas, whose Mult-Generational Family Trauma Perpetual Motion Machine (MGFTPMM) keeps the family dysfunction heading toward chaos, and which Beauregard struggles to turn in the opposite direction, toward love.

Beauregard despairs that he may not have what it takes to bring the sisters together.

But when Patsy and Jackie’s sons arrive and threaten to kill the sisters and inherit the property, the conflict engages the sisters in a common goal, and escalates into a madcap throwdown around the Christmas tree, featuring:

—A blow-up sex President
—Singing vibrators
—Dueling Fox & MSNBC TV anchors
—Kenneth Copeland Ministries
—Fat Electrician infomercials
—Christmas Eve guns
—Spaghettio jello
—Baloney cake
—Detachable man buns
—Singing bowls
—Martial-arts yoga moves
—Depends, and
—Other “weapons of mass destruction.”

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  • Beauregard, the Magical Hugger Elf (Any age, but youthful; inclusive)

  • Bananas, the Mobster Bunny (Any age, inclusive)

  • Jackie Whomp 2023 / Jackie 1955 (Can play late 70s)

  • Patsy Whomp 2023 / Patsy 1955 (Can play late 70s)

  • "Willy Billy" Whomp (50-60, inclusive)

  • "Sparkle Davy" Whomp (50-60, inclusive)

  • Ma / Ma 1955 / Voice of "Dixie the Vibrator" (70s)

  • Pa / Pa 1955 / Ralphie the Bulldozer Guy / Voice of "Barak the Vibrator" (70s)

For Large Productions

  • The Fancy Stretchers Chorus Line

  • Stripper Jingle Bells Chorus Line

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