MERRY CHRISTMAS, BEAUREGARD!

 

VIBE

Toons / Baby Jane / Book of Mormon / Hedwig / Trumpette Chorus Line / Fancy Stretcher Chorus Line / Marx Brothers / 

 

SYNOPSIS

Beauregard is Jackie Whomp’s childhood toy, a lonely magical hugger elf who longs to be free but is stuck in the family home of the estranged Whomp sisters. Beauregard knows ze won’t be free until ze has reconciled the sisters, the greatest challenge of hir career.

 

Today, Beauregard is thrilled: Jackie is coming home! But ze’s also nervous, because he knows her sister Patsy will do anything to prevent reconciling with Jackie, including engaging the diabolical efforts of her own imaginary childhood friend, a Brooklyn Sewer Rat bunny-mobster named Bananas, who for decades has compounded Beauregard’s misery exponentially.

 

When the conflict between the sisters escalates into a Christmas Eve Throwdown featuring blow-up sex Presidents, TV anchors, Fat Electrician infomercials, flaccid fettuccine, detachable man buns, old-lady fight styles, and other “weapons of mass destruction”, Beauregard despairs that he may not have what it takes to win his freedom.

But a surprise visit from Jackie’s son Willy, an aging, espresso-addicted barista with his own grand dreams, inspires Beauregard to change hir approach, thereby reconciling Jackie’s and Patsy’s hearts and making hir own dreams come true.

 

WHO

 

BEAUREGARD, the MAGIC HUGGER ELF: Jackie’s imaginary childhood friend and angel on her shoulder; exists only in the minds of Patsy and the audience; worn, torn, and tattered, time and Patsy’s mind has not been kind to Beauregard. Throughout the play, Beauregard strategizes gaining control of Bananas’ Multi-Generational Family Trauma Perpetual Motion Machine (The MGFTPMM); if he can do that, he can make himself and everyone free.

 

BANANAS, the MOBSTER BUNNY: Patsy’s imaginary childhood friend and devil on her shoulder; exists only in the minds of Patsy and the audience; worn, torn, and tattered strutter; treasured by Patsy as her best drinking buddy, dance partner, and boy toy; raised by the Brooklyn Sewer Rat Gang; throughout the play, as Beauregard tries to bring the sisters together, Bananas cranks his Multi-Generational Family Trauma Perpetual Motion Machine (The MGFTPMM) to keep the dysfunction going, because he knows that if the dysfunction disappears, so will he.

 

JACKIE WHOMP: Patsy’s sister; acts out her anxieties via yoga poses, singing bowl, and liberal political protest slogans.

 

PATSY WHOMP: Jackie’s sister; a childhood pageant-baby and now a shimmying, sashaying Trumpette.

 

WILLY WHOMP: Patsy’s nephew/niece, Jackie’s son/daughter; aging barista; addicted to espresso.

 

DAVE WHOMP: Inclusive casting; Patsy’s daughter/son; Jackie's niece/nephew; the kid who took off and never looked back; materializes and dematerializes as a sparkling hologram; can be whoever he/she/they/ze wants to be. 

 

THAT BITCH / MOM: Spirit of Jackie and Patsy’s Mom; a former hooker in Minneapolis; in her teens, she was known as the best stripper in EauClaire; appears as a TV infomercial hawker; pageant-baby Mom.

 

THAT BASTARD / DAD: Spirit of Jackie and Patsy’s Dad; formerly an electrician; appears as a TV infomercial hawker.

 

________________

 

AUDIENCE: As they enter the theatre, each audience member is rendered invisible by a secret theatrical mechanism decided upon by the theatre.

 

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

-- Invisible Characters That Are “Figments of Patsy’s Imagination” and Able to Interact with Each Other and Patsy: Beauregard, Bananas, That Bitch / Mom, That Bastard / Dad, Dave, Audience.

 

-- Characters Who Cannot Interact with the Invisible Characters: Jackie, Willy.

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HOUSE/AUDIENCE

This is an interactive production. At the beginning of the play, Beauregard moves around by zip line or foot in any way that is safe for the actor. He sits on shelves, balcony ledge, seat backs, audience member laps, etc. 

 

WHEN

Christmas Eve: Now

Christmas Morning: 1955

Time and Space: Eternity

 

WHERE

Decrepit rural Wisconsin cabin outside of Eau Claire.

 

LIVING ROOM IN THE HOME OF THE WHOMP SISTERS

Shabby, dusty, sad; red, white, and blue; and green and chintz and sparkle! 

 

Christmas has vomited like a twenty-year-old frat boy over every inch of this threadbare God-Bless-America 

 

Throughout the space are Confederate elf dolls and Santa Clauses, each wearing an American flag diaper and a holster belt with pistols.  

 

SEWER

Not a location on a set, but a prop that represents the location. Home of Bananas and his rat gang, where he keeps his massive Multi-Generational Family Trauma Perpetual Motion Machine (MGFTPMM), which appears at various points in the play. When Bananas cranks his crank, all hell breaks loose.