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Merry Christmas, Beauregard!

A Deeply Dark & Wildly Jolly Musical

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Can elderly sisters at opposite ends of the political divide reconcile before they die?
Beauregard says YES


Beauregard is Jackie Whomp’s childhood toy, a lonely magical hugger elf who longs to be free but is stuck in the family home of the estranged Whomp sisters. Beauregard knows ze won’t be free until ze has reconciled the sisters, the greatest challenge of hir career.


Today, Beauregard is thrilled: Jackie is coming home! But ze’s also nervous, because he knows her sister Patsy will do anything to prevent reconciling with Jackie, including engaging the diabolical efforts of her own imaginary childhood friend, a Brooklyn Sewer Rat bunny-mobster named Bananas, who for decades has compounded Beauregard’s misery exponentially.


When the conflict between the sisters escalates into a Christmas Eve Throwdown featuring blow-up sex Presidents, TV anchors, Fat Electrician infomercials, flaccid fettuccine, detachable man buns, old-lady fight styles, and other “weapons of mass destruction”, Beauregard despairs that he may not have what it takes to win his freedom.

But a surprise visit from Jackie’s son Willy, an aging, espresso-addicted barista with his own grand dreams, inspires Beauregard to change hir approach, thereby reconciling Jackie’s and Patsy’s hearts and making hir own dreams come true.

  • JACKIE WHOMP: Can play late 70s; Patsy’s sister; acts out her anxieties via yoga poses, singing bowl, liberal political protest slogans, with her very own Obama blow up sex doll.

  • PATSY WHOMP: Can play late 70s; Jackie’s sister; once a childhood pageant-baby, now a shimmying, sashaying Trumpette, with her very own Trump blow up sex doll.

  • BEAUREGARD the CHRISTMAS ELF: Any age; Jackie's imaginary childhood friend who is still alive in Patsy's imagination, who suffers the indignities Patsy inflicts because to Patsy, Beauregard represents her sister Jackie, who she hates. 

  • BANANAS the MOBSTER BUNNY: Any age; Patsy's imaginary childhood friend and ally in abusing Beauregard.

  • WILLY WHOMP: Can play 40s; Jackie's son; Patsy’s nephew; aging barista; addicted to espresso; irresponsible dreamer; morally dubious. 

  • DAVE WHOMP: Inclusive casting; any age; Patsy’s son; Jackie's nephew; materializes and dematerializes as a hologram; can be whoever he/she/they/ze wants to be; the child who took off, never looked back, and is never, ever, EVER coming back home.

  • MA: Can play any age because he's dead; spirit of Jackie and Patsy’s Mom; in her teens, she was known as the best stripper in EauClaire; pops on and off as a TV infomercial hawking spaghettio-jellow and baloney cake; pageant-baby Mom.

  • PA: Can play any age because he's dead; spirit of Jackie and Patsy’s Dad; formerly an electrician; appears as a TV infomercial hawker of Fat Electrician cologne.

  • DIXIE THE SINGING VIBRATOR: VO only; can be a recording; sounds a bit mechanical; sings loudly the same verse from “I Wish I Was in Dixie” at various moments in the play, accompanied by sounds of loud vibration accompanying Patsy's sexual ecstasy.

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